What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
