You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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