im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
