My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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