i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Everclear isn't food dammit
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
