I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
