It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
