Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
