I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
