I am puke
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize