my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
