he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
My vagina just clenched in fear
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
