I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
