you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
