My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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