I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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