do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
