Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
