Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
