"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
it's like heaven, but drunker
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
