It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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