everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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