Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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