In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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