Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
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