You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
