I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I think I sprained my soul last night
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
