so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
