and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
