Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
