Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
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