Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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