did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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