So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
