Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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