Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
