I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
