We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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