im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
