now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
