did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
