i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Randomize
