I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
