So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
