if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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