I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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