im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
