hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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