Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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