babies were throwing up all over the place
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
