So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
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Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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