Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
