i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
