I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I just had sex on a roof
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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