I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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