We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
